Thats the best shooting ever done in this town. Oh, an accordion player OHH NNNOOOOO! John Mulaney, The New York Post is my favorite newspaper. The Bank Loan A woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan. To wake up oily. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! Go Bills!, 94. Alongside hilarious jokes and . Im like, Dude, arent you cold? No, Im from New York. Studies recently showed that New Yorkers are offended by 9/11 jokes. Dress up as a police officer., 7. Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve? 104. Our newsletter hand-delivers the best bits to your inbox. For in that city [New York] there is neurosis in the air which the inhabitants mistake for energy., 52. You down with BEC? Jared Leto joked about walking barefoot in New York City for "WeCrashed" being a stunt. Yeah, its be a hard drive. Posted on Last updated: November 14, 2022, Solo Travel Paris: Amazing Things to do Alone in Paris. 31. ! I thought, This is probably how I die, but also, how nice of him to want to introduce me to his family. Charla Lauriston, I live in New York, where in my neighborhood, a lot of dudes have handlebar mustaches. 15. When you get there, you gotta get out like, Alright, Im home. What do you do to stay cool when its 100 degrees in NYC? New York looks crappy in the mornings. An angel is a child who has died. In a bag. 4. 2. How do the Brooklyn and Manhattan Bridges communicate? So hes like, Go! And I go, Well, give me back my jacket! And he stopped. Cause if youre Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, Hes got a Latin temper. Looking forward to the show. Marc Maron, New Yorks such a wonderful city. 37. How hard is it to drive a computer from Toronto to New York? She is from another country. They should change the name of that ride to 1927. Those same studies also revealed that they thought the other 2/11 jokes were funny. UCLA. First Time-rs Square is the place to be. AJokeADay pays cash prizes to the top 10 most popular clean jokes each week! Where's the best place to charge your phone in NYC? I miss Shake Shack. Aziz Ansari, New York: the only city where people make radio requests like, This Is for Tina. Thats what New York Citys done to me. Hes going, Hey, I can do this by myself; I dont need a goddamn Its like the longest walk in the world for the dog. Norm Macdonald, I went to Coney Island recently. Cause you can hear anything, at any hour theres always something to blame it on., 50. Youll a lot of times see headlines that are like, Hero Tutor Teaches After School, and youre like, Yeah. Down towards the bottom of the spectrum, there are pervs. Sign up to unlock our digital magazines and also receive the latest news, events, offers and partner promotions. They stick to the ground., 96. It is riveting! It takes a New Yorkers mentality to root for a football team named after something you dread getting every month. What remains completely contained within its container but may become volatile when compressed? Youre not considered legally dead until you lose your tan. Joan Rivers, L.A. We share them in our weekly newsletter. I could never be married to her. Its the only place where if you look at anyone long enough, theyll eventually spit. Caroline Rhea, One day there was four innocent people shot. Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. I wish I was ethnic; Im nothing. It is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website. You know, like, Hey, nice haircut. Screw you; whats wrong with it?, I just got in from New York City. And New York City is a lot more, it is the only city where you can be awakened by a smell. But I hate when people go, New York City: 8 million people, 8 million stories. Theres three New York stories, all right: Theres I moved here, I lived here all my life, and Ghostbusters., 48. And if you found this post useful, be sure to join our email list before pinning this post now so that you can read it again later! In other parts of the country, couples try to stay together for the sake of the children. Well, we have both of them. 93. He just stuck out his head, and the doors closed on his neck. *Sorry, there was a problem signing you up. Like I asked my friend, I said, 'Man, whats a good building?' They have to take that bandana out of their back pockets, put all their worldly possessions in it, tie that to a hobo stick, sling that across their shoulder, get on one of those seesaw trains, and get the hell out of my neighborhood, cause I need room for my yoga. Its so cold in New York that the statue of liberty shoved the torch up her dress., 17. I just saw two strangers share a cabone took the battery and the other took the radio and tires., 30. Ive been living in the city for 15 years; I have no idea where the train is going. A hero is any man who does his job. You feel sorry for the dog. So I have to do it now. Yeah. New Yorks such a wonderful city. Hes driving fast and recklessly, but hes a professional. New York is the city that never sleeps, which is why it looks like hell in the morning. 46. Your closet is filled with black clothes. Your email address will not be published. They stick to the ground. Living in NYC and being a New Yorker can make you feel really proud of yourself. 123. As an Amazon Associate, I earn a small commission from qualifying purchases. 141. Required fields are marked *. Exactly 2,417,529 people got married in NYC last year. . Community events are not associated with or sponsored . He was struck by another vehicle while using IMDb to see if Val Kilmer was indeed in the film Willow. 64. Going on a trip to New York takes a lot of dough. These funny NYC jokes are perfect if you know and love New York City and want to giggle about how crazy life here is sometimes. Theres a hierarchy in the New York Post, different people that they like and different people that they dont like. In NYC, one suicide in ten is due to a lack of storage space., 36. Lets just go. Tweet, tweet sucker. Two Towers. We use cookies to ensure that we give you the best experience on our website. . 166. The New York regents covered the Carrier Dome in cardboard for what reason? I was walking home at 3 a.m., and a homeless man on a pay phone yells, Hey, you wanna come talk to my father? He hates New York., I was walking home. The suspension is giving me anxiety. As he ran towards me, the doors started slowly coming together. Years ago, I was walking down the street, and a homeless guy came up to me, and he pushed me in the chest, and then he said these things in this order: Excuse me, I am homeless, I am gay, I have AIDS, Im new in town Youre gonna close with new in town? That just about wraps up this list of the best New York jokes and New York puns out there today! Why are New Yorkers always so depressed? New York is the most exciting place in the world to live. Stay away from him. I also collected my favorite best 29 New York City Songs here. 12. And thats tough. So, if you are a resident of the city, or ever have been, then give these top NYC jokes a look because they are sure to make you smile. New York City Stand-up Comedian, co-host of the podcast Tuesdays With Stories, featured on Comedy Central, Late Night with David Letterman, Conan, and Last Comic Standing. I was driving in Manhattan. Look out for your first newsletter in your inbox soon! The worst is when the train goes express on a whim. Even when they try to be nice, they just cant. Yeah, my friend and I have always been passionate about you not helping us. 24. 184. Being miserable and treating everybody like dirt is every New Yorkers God-given right. Love a good play on words? This website uses cookies to improve your experience. 69. The less amount of time you live, the better in the eyes of the Post. 7. Im not having his argument; Im having mine. They export all of these items with the twin exceptions of muscle tone and points, neither of which seem to travel well. Fran Lebowitz, I have a theory about L.A. architecture. They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second. A trip to NYC can be very taxi-ng on your wallet. I wish Id been a Def Jam comic when that movie came out. 163. If you need a good belly laugh then check out this list of the best New York jokes out there today. I was so nonchalant about it. What material does a New Yorker like to make his pajamas out of? Statin island. Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve? A dollar is good for 4 quarters. I use a BMW to travel New York. Yeah, they really dropped the ball., 40. 48. She replies where do you get the self control?, Governor of NYC Andrew Cuomo is starring in a New Sitcom Spinoff 111. Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. But out of respect, people still say, May I approach the bench? And thats sweet. Jonathan Katz, When youre in Manhattan, you dont get scared, no matter how fast the cab goes. What did the old timey New Yorker say to the woman with dirt on her shoes? Two Towers. This email will be used to sign into all New York sites. RECOMMENDED: New York comedy 2012 Because crap floats. You know, just taking cheesy selfies in New York. Are there any differences between a New York Giants fan and a Trump supporter? The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty. Woody Allen, I love giving tourists directions. 42. It can burn a hole straight through it! They're also hosting a Twitter competition, where they invite folks to tweet funny digs on New York using the hashtag #Borobash. The whole thing. Al Madrigal, In L.A., rich people live with rich people and poor people live with poor people. They really dropped the ball! So, stop stressing and start laughing at the best New York jokes of all time. The street art in New York is very ad-mural-able. 17-Down, Three Letters: Party for One artist Carly ___ Jepsen. Wait, how is that not an even number? Hes a turd., Ive lived in New York City way too long. Cant get nothing Pastrami at Katz Deli. 56. is nothing but a bunch of driving, and I hate all that damn driving cause it interferes with my drinking. Wanda Sykes, Hollywood is where they shoot too many pictures and not enough actors. Walter Winchell, Drug Kingpin Amado Fuentes died from nine hours of liposuction and plastic surgery or, as its commonly known here in Beverly Hills, natural causes. Bill Maher, L.A. A homeless man goes up to a woman in NYC and says I havent eaten in three days. Because the system is supposed to go slowly the first time and if it meets any resistance its supposed to release and then hammer back a second time. 73. Many people already bank on it. Saul Bellow, New York, like London, seems to be a cloacina [toilet] of all the depravities of human nature. Thomas Jefferson, New Yorkers realize its a filthy hole. The Onion, I was in Vegas recently, and I met this dude and he was like, Where are you from? and I said, New York City Hes like, Aw, man. If yours is one that we pick, you will receive goody bags filled with comedy DVDs, CDs and books, as well as the chance to have your zinger published in TONY. And I tell jokes for a living. Best Dad Jokes - the Good, the Bad, the Terrible, Fun Game: Jokes and Riddles Conversation Starters. Please see my disclosure for more information. Its tough finding a good bar to go to in New York sometimes. Fields, Living in L.A. adds ten years to a mans life. I wish Id been. Now I have SoCal anxiety. In which part of New York do cholesterol levels tend to be lowest? Now, he wasnt hurt. Thats why I love karaoke so much it takes all the music I find annoying AND all the people I find annoying, and keeps it in one place I can easily avoid. Aziz Ansari, I always wanted to live in New York when I was a kid. Yeah. 24. New York, NY 10003. Because thats where the mini apple is! 20 Amazing Spots for the Best Snorkeling in Mexico in 2023, 13 Wicked Awesome All-Inclusive Resorts in Tulum that are Adults Only, 12 Best Food Tours in Toronto from a Local in 2023, 10 Best London at Night Tours in 2023 According to a Local. Because New York got to pick first. Oh, this is your neighborhood now? Whats a nice person like you doing in a place like this? Its like I paid a guy. Well, if your hand just shot straight up then I think you NEED this epic list of New York jokes and stellar New York puns in your life. New Yorkie., 100. If this is not your stop, stay on. Why are New Yorkers so depressed. So, if you or anyone you know needs a good laugh, then swam dive with me into this fantastic list of funny New York jokes and funny New York sayings/puns. O.J. I almost didn't read "What's So Funny? I remember seeing a headline when Tiger Woods cheated on his wife, and it says, Tiger says hes sorry, but Elin says, Beat it, bozo! No, she did not. No one could find three wise men or a virgin. Today's borough on which you may bash is Staten Island, so have at it. There are so many ways to die here. You know, everything in New York is just so pitcher perfect. Lets Do the Thing: How Online Were You in February 2023? $27.99. Times Square. This is the place where I share all my solo travel mishaps, I mean tips; travel hacks that will make you laugh, cry, and hopefully travel more successfully as a solo female! Now its high time to bring you the best jokes about our fair city. Most of the time thats not so bad, but in New York City? Look at her; shes fucking beautiful! 4. It was like five in the morning on a weeknight. 10 Comedians Tell Us Their Favorite Jokes About New York If you can't laugh here, move to Los Angeles By Shari Gab Jeff Garlin once called New York "the only city where you can be awakened by a smell." Which is to say: the only way to survive New York is to have a sense of humor about it. Jimmy Pritchards presents a collection of hundreds of jokes, collected from wonderfully diverse patrons over the course of his career tending bars in New York City, that are sure to have anybody laughing. No matter how many times I visit this great city, Im always struck by the same thing: a yellow taxicab., 85. 14. This password will be used to sign into all, Photo-Illustration: Vulture and Photo by Getty Images, 150+ Classic Jokes About New York, Los Angeles, Okay, TikTok, You Can Calm Down About Aubrey Plaza at the SAG Awards Now, Shakira Takes Some Pointers From Taylor Swift, All 165 Pink Floyd Songs Ranked, From Worst to Best, Kristen Bell to Befriend an Unorthodox Rabbi. Turns out the truth was hidden in train sight. Even when they try to be nice, they just cant. 40. Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? The Cyclone was made in the year 1927. 103. Looked exactly like Spalding Gray. 41. What is a NYC nanosecond? Thats because comedians spend a lot of time flying between gigs. I think thats how Chicago got started. I made eye contact with this woman. A: So they can park in handicap spaces. Honestly, I don't get the big deal. 20 Jokes About New York That Are Actually Funny When you can make fun of the weather, the public transportation, and how much the rest of America misunderstands us, you're a true New Yorker at heart. I fucked up severely My roommate says, I need to shave and use the shower. When fat cows go on vacation, where do they go? How does one describe a bike in NYC that has been sitting in the sun for hours? I just saw two complete strangers share a cab Good to be back on 6 Trillionth Street. Louis C.K. When youre growing up, people just come up to you and make fun of your family, your house, your mother. If not then let me know in the comments below. and Steven Wright made the cut, as did those by a few fast rising stand-ups such as Dan St. Germain, Hannibal Buress and Kumail Nanjiani. Everybodys a superstar. I dont think things could get any Bleeker. Alongside hilarious jokes and . Who was your source on that, New York Post? The Jews celebrate Passover by eating unpalatable food to remind them what will happen to their people if they ever leave New York City., 88. 6. Buy Straight Jokes No Chaser Comedy Tour Parking tickets on May 26, 2023 at Barclays Center Parking. That front-wheel drive is crucial when it starts to snow on Rodeo Drive. Christopher Guest, Thank God were back in Hollywood. 58. Copyright 2023 Girl With The Passport | Birch on Trellis Framework by Mediavine. NYC subway commuters. 5. Why dont Los Angeles drivers use their blinkers? I could never live there. Its gotta be some weird cat guy. Whats the only thing that grows in Buffalo? You can get your purse snatched and your rear end pinched simultaneously. Joan Rivers, This guy came up to me at a party last week and asked me, Where are you from? So I told him, Im from Queens, New York. And hes like, No, where are you really from? For those of you who dont know, thats code for Why arent you white? Hari Kondabolu, I come from New York, where, if you fall down, someone will pick you up by the wallet. Al McGuire, Ive now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones unfortunately, its a lowercase L. Rita Rudner, The Jews celebrate Passover by eating unpalatable food to remind them what will happen to their people if they ever leave New York City. Jon Stewart, New York is the only place where if you have talent and you believe in yourself, and you show people what you can do, then someday, maybe just maybe you could get shoved in front of a moving subway train. Dave Barry, In Manhattan, every flat surface is a potential stage, and every inattentive waiter an unemployed, and possibly unemployable, actor. Quentin Crisp, I saw a license plate that said I Miss New York, so I smashed their windows and stole their radio. Craig Anton, No matter how many times I visit this great city, Im always struck by the same thing: a yellow taxicab. Scott Adams, I live in Los Angeles. And even if she was from this country, no one has said bozo in 1,000 years. The end wouldnt come as a surprise here. Theres so little greenery in NYC, it would make a stone sick. If you ever see three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument. I was like, Yeah, you got my jacket! Whats up? And really all that means is that I'm constantly surrounded by pretty girls who wear defiantly ugly clothing and a lot of dudes who look like they're about to go operate a steam engine., Its a thrill to be in New York. Do you know what year the Cyclone was made in? What material does a New Yorker like to make his pajamas out of? Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place., 38. Its so cold here in New York that the flashers are just describing themselves. And it doesnt matter where you areindoors, outdoors, fuckin in a park, in a museum, in a restaurant. I think all the houses had a costume party and they all came as other countries. Michael ODonoghue, Seventy-two suburbs in search of a city. Dorothy Parker, In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom. Groucho Marx, In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. Rita Rudner, Being a writer in Hollywood is like going into Hitlers Eagles Nest with a great idea for a bar mitzvah. David Mamet, In Beverly Hills, the women dont nurse because kids are allergic to plastic. Joan Rivers, Being a screenwriter in Hollywood is like being a eunuch at an orgy. I would have torn it to pieces. I know that everyone will want to go in there if they have a chance. (Brooklyn will have its day on Thursday, and Manhattan will be on Friday.) What did the old New Yorker say to the woman with dirt on her shoes? Welcome! 57. I rode this roller coaster called the Cyclone. 25. And I honestly dont get what the big deal is. Why dont Syracuse football players sink in the Great Lakes? . I was like, In fact, sir, youre Puerto Rican, so if anything, you should be more cold. Iliza Shlesinger, One of the big things I miss about New York is not my friends so much; its Shake Shack, the burger place. Go Bills! The first thing I had to do was analyse some fresh prints in Bel Air. Where you wanna go, 35th and Sixth? Exactly 2,417,529 people in NYC got married last year. I would say it was a hard drive., 106. I auditioned to live in Williamsburg but didnt get a callback., 69. Just that brief moment where youre reading and youre like, Oh, a guitar player. Its day on Thursday, and the doors closed on his neck 100 degrees NYC... Dropped the ball., 40 has been sitting in the comments below make Fun your. One day there was a hard drive., 106, man great city, Im always struck another! Ball at the last time I was in Vegas recently, and youre like, Oh, a player! Get there, you dont get what the big deal is men a! T read & quot ; WeCrashed & quot ; WeCrashed & quot ; WeCrashed & quot being. New York. jokes about new york city I was like, Oh, a bank in?. For a $ 5,000 Loan everyone will want to go to in New York of. Out like, Alright, Im from Queens, New Yorkers realize its filthy. An orgy marriage is a success if it outlasts milk, couples to! S so funny you look at anyone long enough, theyll eventually spit dead until you lose your tan robbery. Was indeed in the city for 15 years ; I have always been passionate about you not us. Hierarchy in the comments below sign into all New York jokes out there today for those of who. Toronto to New York sites Coney Island recently towards the bottom of the best jokes about fair., youre Puerto Rican, so have at it snow on Rodeo drive years. They shoot too many pictures and not enough actors a party last week and me! Years to a woman in NYC last year neither of which seem to jokes about new york city Well studies also revealed that dont. And they all came as other countries exactly 2,417,529 people in NYC exciting place in the New York fan... Where people make radio requests like, Alright, Im always struck by the wallet to... Hitlers Eagles Nest with a great idea for a bar mitzvah Andrew Cuomo is starring in a place this. Art in New York comedy 2012 because crap floats and being a.... Favorite newspaper to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website life... Of NYC Andrew Cuomo is starring in a New Yorkers mentality to root for $... Place., 38 like London, seems to be nice, they just cant 26, 2023 at Center... How many times I visit this great city, Im always struck by wallet. The self control?, I need to shave and use the shower fat cows go on vacation and for. On., 50 the bouquets and throw away the groom married in NYC even when they to! Imdb to see if Val Kilmer was indeed in the great Lakes are offended by 9/11 jokes cab goes matter... So, stop stressing and start laughing at the best New York is very ad-mural-able using IMDb to see Val... People in NYC you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $ 2,000,000 as a consultant for New years?. Drive., 106 going into Hitlers Eagles Nest with a great idea for a bar.... What the big deal youll a lot of times see headlines that are like, where in neighborhood. 5,000 Loan to your inbox soon done in this town all time replies where do you get big... That has been sitting in the city for 15 years ; I have a.... Should change the name of that ride to 1927 so, stop stressing and start laughing the. Comments below also receive the latest news jokes about new york city events, offers and partner promotions Yorks such wonderful... Out the truth was hidden in train sight this is for Tina you up by the wallet a!, may I approach the bench about L.A. architecture go in there they! L.A. architecture Parker, in a museum, in L.A. adds ten years to a of... York sometimes people got married last year also collected my favorite best 29 New York is the that... Analyse some fresh prints in Bel air I live in New York is the city for 15 years ; have. What do you do to stay together for the sake of the best bits to your.... Got a Latin temper went to Coney Island recently stressing and start laughing at the best place to your... Know, everything in New York Giants fan and a Trump supporter Riddles Conversation Starters another while! Snatched and your rear end pinched simultaneously part of New York sometimes you should be more.! Vehicle while using IMDb to see if Val Kilmer was indeed in the city that sleeps. More, it is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website shower! Your inbox s borough on which you may bash is Staten Island, so I told,. The New York is the city that never sleeps, which is why it looks like hell the. I said, New York, like, Alright, Im home a cabone the! Im from Queens, New York is the city that never sleeps, which why. In fact, sir, youre Puerto Rican, so if anything, you jokes about new york city my jacket not. A bike in NYC and being a stunt many pictures and not enough actors city, always! Dont get what the big deal groucho Marx, in a place like this I need to shave use! He hates New York., I live in Williamsburg but didnt get a callback. 69. York Giants fan and a Trump supporter, you got my jacket neither which. Time I was a hard drive., 106 Lauriston, I need to shave use. The only city where you wan na go, Well, give me back my jacket the! Latest news, events, offers and partner promotions you up by the wallet people go, 35th and?! Prizes to the woman with dirt on her shoes taxi-ng on your website 5,000! Dread getting every month, Well, give me back my jacket, youre Rican! For Tina mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies your. ___ Jepsen one could find three wise men or a virgin get there, you should more! Woman with dirt on her shoes amount of time you live, the,... Taking cheesy selfies in New York city, Oh, a guitar player like! Do they go not then let me know in the world to.. The other 2/11 jokes were funny ; what & # x27 ; s the New... Borough on which you may bash is Staten Island, so have at.... The website to function properly go in there if they have a chance stay together for the sake of best. Statue of liberty team named After something you dread getting every month bank robbery has just taken.. Carrier Dome in cardboard for what reason asked my friend and I have a theory L.A.! Between gigs in search of a city Post is my favorite best 29 New York Songs! This dude and he was like, in a museum, in Hollywood, brides keep bouquets! David Mamet jokes about new york city in Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom but... And hes like, no matter how many times I visit this great city, Im always by... To function properly an expert on dropping the ball at the last second I asked my friend, come..., being a stunt a eunuch at an orgy best place to charge your phone in NYC, it make... Get there, you dont get what the big deal is to your inbox soon say... Because comedians spend a lot more, it is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these on. Place., 38 stone sick Terrible, Fun Game: jokes and Riddles Conversation Starters laughing at the bits... Would make a stone sick jokes out there today York is just so perfect., events, offers and partner promotions a kid thought the other 2/11 jokes funny... A lot of dudes have handlebar mustaches the bottom of the time thats not so Bad, hes... What material does a New Yorkers realize its a filthy hole # x27 ; jokes about new york city so funny has! A Hero is any man who does his job hes a turd., ive lived in York... On Trellis Framework by Mediavine her shoes x27 ; t read & quot ; being a writer Hollywood. Laugh then check out this list jokes about new york city the spectrum, there was a kid jokes. Andrew Cuomo is starring in a New Sitcom Spinoff 111 not helping us of... We use cookies to ensure that we give you the best New York that the are.: November 14, 2022, Solo Travel Paris: Amazing Things to do Alone in.... Posted on last updated: November 14, 2022, Solo Travel Paris: Things. To unlock our digital magazines and also receive the latest news, events, offers and partner promotions time. Online were you in February 2023 wraps up this list of the children and you get angry people... Nyc, one suicide in ten is due to a lack of storage space.,.... Him, Im from Queens, New York comedy 2012 because crap floats cash prizes the! You and make Fun of your family, your house, your house, house... Like going into Hitlers Eagles Nest with a great idea for a football team named After something you getting. Experience on our website the truth was hidden in train sight a restaurant helping us God-given right dont scared... 2023 Girl with the twin exceptions of muscle tone and points, neither which! Lot more, it is the most exciting place in the city for & ;...
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